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Samsung Recalls Christmas Trees Due to Spontaneous Combustion Issues

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This article is satire. 

The South Korean conglomerate Samsung has recalled its new line of Christmas trees over fears that they will spontaneously combust. This recall comes on the heels of Samsung recalling not only its Galaxy Note 7, but several models of washing machines as well.

The trees range in size from two feet tall (described as being “for children and the vertically challenged”) to twenty feet tall (described as being “for large homes, public spaces and the freakishly tall”). Simulated species include balsam fir, eastern hemlock and, in an unconventional choice, palm tree.

“It was definitely a shock,” said a customer whose tree burst into flames moments after testing the lights. “I never expected that a product made by a company that makes exploding phones and violent washing machines would also make a faulty Christmas tree.”

The problem likely lies in the combination of the slow drying clear coat applied to the leaves and the built-in incandescent Christmas lights, which makes physical contact with the leaves.

“It appears that the heat from the lights, when in contact with a highly inflammable substance, may be the cause of the fires,” said a Samsung company spokesman in an interview over Skype. “It is possible that our engineers believed inflammable to mean the opposite of flammable, when in reality it would appear that they both mean the same thing,” he said as a loud thud followed by a scream could be heard in the background. When asked about the sound, he replied, “It’s probably just from the company laundry room.”

Surveys show that Samsung’s branding has suffered as a result of its recalls. In a recent poll, 37 percent of respondents said they thought the company primarily made cell phone-shaped lighters, 48 percent said the company made phones, 23 percent said the company made Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em washing machines, and the remaining 2 percent said they produced a music competition hosted by Sam Smith

Samsung has been widely criticized for being out of date, in terms of both safety testing and musical taste. A source told The Current that “Gangnam Style” would have been played at the company Christmas party had the banquet hall not caught fire and burned to the ground.

“Should we have seen this coming? Eh, maybe. Will we continue to produce products? Absolutely. Will they avoid injuring people? Eh, maybe,” said an anonymous engineer.

Samsung has officially canceled its planned premium line of Christmas trees and will instead begin to develop tiki torches, Yule logs and sparklers. “At least with these products we won’t have to recall them if they catch fire,” the engineer said.

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