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Wild Timberwolves Fan Spotted on Campus

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The following is satire. 

A rare Minnesota Timberwolves fan was spotted on campus Saturday night.

“He was just walking around near the bushes in the Oaks circle. I wanted to get closer but I was afraid that I might scare him away,” said an eyewitness. The eyewitness described the Timberwolves fan as having black fur atop his head, as well as a deep blue outer covering with numbers and letters on both his chest and back. The Timberwolves fan was last seen running off campus, most likely to hide in a nearby sports bar.

Kenosha is far outside of the natural range of Timberwolves fans, which mostly roam throughout Minnesota as well as the far eastern portions of the Dakotas. Kenosha has many herds of Bulls fans, with Carthage having the densest population in the county. The Chicago Bulls have one of the largest distributions of fans in the area, as they can be found throughout Illinois as well as Iowa, northwestern Indiana, and small parts of Missouri, Kentucky and southern Wisconsin. Herds of Bucks fans are less common here, as Kenosha is at the southern limit of their range, which extends as far north as Eau Claire and Wausau. While a minor species on campus, dens of Badgers fans are common in Kenosha and throughout the state of Wisconsin.

While the fan populations of the local area are expected to remain the same, the region may see some changes. The migration of the Rams out of Missouri into their new range in southern California is expected to increase the number of Bears fans in Missouri. The continued presence of the fiercely territorial Cardinals fans is expected to keep the Cubs fans from expanding south, although Cubs fans in their current range have been on the increase over the past year, with a sharp increase after Nov. 2.

The sighting of the Timberwolves fan this far outside of its natural range is especially notable because of their unstable position within their ecosystem. Timberwolves fans are listed as “near threatened” by the International Union for Conservation of Fans (IUCF). Timberwolves fans could have gone extinct in 1994, when the Timberwolves nearly made a permanent migration to the south. This movement would have killed the Timberwolves and replaced them with a species more suited to the climate, like Hornets or Pelicans. The team rebounded after that, but they have not been doing well after peaking in 2004.

Regardless of the current situation of the Timberwolves fans, the sighting is a good sign, for both the state of Timberwolves fans and the local fan ecosystem.

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