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Cupid Uses Real Arrow, Injures High School Junior

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A cherub is now in police custody after he allegedly shot a high school junior with an arrow on Tuesday afternoon.

Around noon on February 14, a Tremper High School junior was struck with a hunting arrow in the left shoulder on the north end of the school. She fell backwards and was caught by the quarterback of the football team, who quickly administered first aid. Witnesses say that a short winged baby with a bow was seen quickly waddling away, and that he was talking to himself under his breath, saying things like “I can’t believe I used the wrong arrow,” “I’ve got to get out of here,” and “I think those two can still be a cute couple.”

The cherub was spotted in Gerb’s Tap at around 2:00 p.m. Several patrons recognized him from news broadcasts and chased him out. No injuries were reported there, although a man reported a slight pain in his chest, followed by a woozy feeling. He then reported being overcome with romantic feelings towards the woman sitting next to him and asked her out on a date.

Around 4:30 p.m. the cherub was spotted by Sergeant Hart and Officer Love, both of the Kenosha Police Department, at the corner of 60th Street and Sheridan Road. The suspect escaped on foot, reportedly due to the police officers being instantly compelled to stop by a floral shop to buy roses for their wives.

He was finally apprehended around 7:00 p.m. at Villa D’Carlo where a waitress saw him hiding behind a potted plant.

The suspect gave his name as “Cupid,” with no last name. He claims to be over two thousand years old and originally from Rome, despite looking like a fair-skinned two-year old child. Police report that he was armed with a small recurve bow at the time of capture, along with a quiver filled with what appear to be disintegrating joke arrows with foam tips. He admits responsibility for shooting the girl but claims that it was an accident, saying that he mistakenly used an arrow from the quiver he takes deer hunting.

He claims that his bow has the ability to induce romantic feelings in individuals, and that he has a variety of other implements that assist him in his endeavors. “While pheromones and other compounds are known to affect humans, I seriously doubt this cherub’s story,” said an anonymous forensic technician.

“Cupid” is currently being held in the Kenosha County Detention Center.

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